Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I am available for nakedness
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