before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
