God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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