it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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