Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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