We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
