i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
