He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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