My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
