I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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