Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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