You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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