if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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