i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
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