God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
