I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I need to calm my uterus...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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