Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
