oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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