she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
