Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Someone signed my nipple.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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