dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
