I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
