I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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