Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
