I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
