At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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