So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
