Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
