i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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