i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
