I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
