I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
