Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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