Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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