did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
