I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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