I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
