If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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