Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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