Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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