Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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