woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
