I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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