No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Bring me that man meat
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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