perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
