Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
