I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
