Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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