remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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