I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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