Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
