There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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